Words I live by--
"There is no greater fool than
​a genius out of their field."
Lyn Walden

Always remember, if Pavlov tested his cat, he would have failed.

​You know you're a grad student when...

• You can identify universities by their internet domains.
• You are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
• You have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.
• You understand jokes about Foucault.
• The concept of free time scares you.
• You consider caffeine to be a major food group.
• You've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
• Saturday nights spent studying no longer seems weird.
• The professor doesn't show up to class, and you discuss the readings anyway.
• You've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
• You appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
• You still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).
• You can read course books and cook at the same time.
• You schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
• You hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
• You've ever worn out a library card.
• You find taking notes in a park relaxing.
• You find yourself citing sources in conversation.
• You've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
• You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
• Your office is better decorated than your apartment.
• You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
• You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
• You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
• You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
• Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
• You have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
• You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
• There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
• You actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
• You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
• You look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
• You regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
• You consider all papers to be works in progress.
• Professors don't really care when you turn in work any more.
• You find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
• You have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
• You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
• You find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
• You start referring to stories like "Snow White et al."
• You often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
• You look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
• You have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
• You wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."
• You have a favorite flavor of instant noodle.

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
​(according to the Harvard Crimson)

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $200,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

   Linguistics for Academic​s and Fellow Travelers

• "It has long been known"… (I didn't look up the original reference.)
• "A definite trend is evident"… (These data are practically meaningless.)
• "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"… (An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.)
• "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"…  (The other results didn't make any sense.)
• "Typical results are shown"… (This is the prettiest graph.)
• "These results will be in a subsequent report"… (I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.)
• "In my experience"… (once).
• "In case after case"… (twice).
• "In a series of cases"... (thrice).
• "It is believed that"... (I think).
• "It is generally believed that"... (A couple of others thinks so, too).
• "Correct within an order of magnitude"... (Wrong).
• "According to statistical analysis"... (Rumor has it).
• "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... (A wild guess).
• "A careful analysis of obtainable data"... (Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop).
• "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... (I don't understand it).
• "After additional study by my colleagues"... (They don't understand it either).
• "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... (Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant).
• "A highly significant area for exploratory study"... (A totally useless topic selected by my committee).
• "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... (I quit).

(From http://www.shlomifish.org)

                                            The Art of Writing a PhD Thesis

In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.

"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"

"Well, follow me and I'll show you."

They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"

"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves."

"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"

"Come with me and I'll show you." ......

As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and this time he has a diploma in his paw.

The camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see an enormous mean-looking lion sitting next to the bloody and furry remains of the wolf and the fox.

The moral of this story is:

It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that counts.

(Unknown Usenet Source)

PhD stands for....

PhD = Prepared for Happy Death

PhD = Patiently Hoping for a Degree

PhD = Permanent Head Damage

PhD = Professional Help Desk

PhD = Phenomena in High Dimensions

PhD = Probably headed for Divorce

PhD = Pretty heavy Drinker

PhD = Phinally Done

PhD = Piled higher and Deeper

Top 5 Lies Told by Teaching Assistants:

5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.

4. Call me any time. I'm always available.

3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.

2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.

1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.